Is it really already morning again? Slowly I open my eyes only to see the pale moon shining through the window. My body is screaming at me to move, but my mind is telling me to stay. Eventually my body wins and slowly I move.

I move my legs closer to the edge of the bed, a few inches at a time. Occasionally I have to pause to let the waves of pain wash over me, and then I move some more. With my legs finally dangling over the edge of the bed I move my arms into position to help left me up into a sitting position. This, too, is an inch by inch process. I get ready and with a quick inhale of breath I force myself up. It take my breath away, leaves me in waves of pain that threaten to cause me to black out.

My brain is fuzzy. It’s as if I had a hangover yet I haven’t been drinking, nor do I take any medications. My chest is in excruciating pain, I take short shallow breaths willing it to ease up. I know it is just costochondritis, for I have been rushed to the ER on several occasions thinking I was having a heart attack. Hell, sometimes I think a heart attack would be easier. They can at least do something about that, should you survive that is.

Have you ever had the flu? You know how your muscles ache? Imagine, if you will, living with that type of ache on your good days. Your bad days, well let’s just say on those days you often pray that death would take you away. But finally I am up and ready to start the day. Standing, I get my bearing and make my way to the kitchen, making sure I walk close to a wall in order to have something to lean on in case I start to fall.

Looking at the laundry I know it has to be done, but I look at the stairs leading to the basement and wonder how I will ever manage getting down there and back once, not to mention three more times. With a sigh I come to the kitchen and turn on the computer. Looking at the clock I realize its 5am. No wonder the suns not awake yet. Most people are still tucked up in bed. For 20 minutes I sit here at my computer. I check my e-mails, and then go in and check my message boards at the support group I run. But after 20 minutes I have to get up and move once more. (I run an online support group in the Delphi community for people who are living with Fibromyalgia. Sometimes this is where I find my sanity, or my shred of hope.)

So up I go to make some breakfast. Hoping this will be one of the days I can keep food down.

And so my day goes. I eat, then soak in a tub of warm water for about 20 minutes hoping the warmth will seep into my bones. It does, if only for a few minutes. But that’s a few minutes of relief, I won’t complain.

Typing hurts, but writing is out of the question. I can no longer hold a pen without excruciating pain in my hands. Winters make everything worse. I have Raynauds, a condition that often accompanies those with Fibromyalgia (FMS). It affects my circulation. So often my hands and feet are purple and cold, living in Minnesota in the winter doesn't help this allot. Then they will suddenly get warm, very red hot warm. And this too is painful in its own sort of way. Imagine having frost bitee that warms quickly, then you would have an inkling to how this feels.The tips of my fingers feel as if thousands of tiny needles are thrusting into them.

Sometimes the gentlest of hugs can send me into silent tears from the pain. Some areas the FMS affects more than other, at least with me, are the neck, the elbows, the knees, hips, and ankles. I live with a constant headache, some days that headache will manifest into a migraine. I have been known to carry a migraine status headache for 2 months straight 24/7. So you may ask how I cope? I am really not sure. When you live with such chronic pain day in and day out you learn to bear it.

You learn that people don’t want to hear about it, you learn that you don't look sick so therefore you must be lying or a hypochondriac. You learn that friends and loved ones tend to back away from you for fear of what I am not quit sure. Doctors, in frustration of not having an answer will send you to a Psychiatrist, believing your symptoms aren’t real but imagined. So you fake it. When people ask how you are, you smile and say; “Fine thank you and you?”

In determination you adopt the motto fake it til you make it, and you continue to live the life you always have. You mask the pain, you smile and go on hoping no one can see, and yet wishing someone would.

And one day it comes crashing in on you. You find upon waking you can’t move. The pain is too unbearable to even think of moving. But you have responsibilities, people who need you, children who need a mother. So you force yourself up, shedding silent tears of pain. And you call a doctor, yet again. This time the doctors not going to soft coat it, looking at you he says you have to make a choice. He tells you working is killing you. Slowly surely. And that you really need to file for disability. For 6 months you fight it. But slowly you get worse. And you wake up one morning knowing you just can not go on this way.

Is it any wonder that the leading cause of death for those who have Fibromyalgia is suicide?

Why am I writing this? I don’t want your pity, I am surviving. What do I want you may wonder? I want compassion for my fellow sufferers. I want the world to know, Fibromyalgia is not an all in your head diagnosis. And yes, often we don’t look sick, but that’s because the world as a whole doesn’t really look. If you want to know how I am, how I really am, look in my eyes. They never lie. If you have a loved one suffering from this malady, please don’t turn your back on them. They didn’t ask for this illness. What they need, what they really need, is someone that’s willing to listen, that won’t judge, that will just let them be themselves. Someone that is willing to learn and try to understand. They need to be reminded that even though they have Fibromyalgia they still are the person you fell in love with. And they need to know that even though they can’t do as much as they did before, that they are still very much needed in your life.

So many times a person with FMS finds themselves alone. Husbands/wives choose to leave rather than stay and help fight it. Family members and friends don’t understand it, and grieve the person you once were instead of embracing the person you are. Please don’t tell me all I need to do is exercise, eat better foods, get an attitude adjustment, or to grin and bear it. If you are seeing my pain I can guarantee you are only seeing a small fraction of it, for I keep it locked within tight. Someone once asked me who my favorite actors were. I told them, the people who live with Fibromyalgia are by far the best actors and actresses there are.

There is no cure for Fibromyalgia. Please don’t keep trying to tell me to order this persons supplements, use the magnets, etc. I have read up on all the miracle cures, and yes I have even tried a few. But I trust my doctor and I know, if there were a miracle cure out there he would know about it and I would be in his office now learning about it.

If someone you know or love has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, please reach out to them. Let them know you care, let them have a safe person they know they can come to and let their masks down to show the real them.

If anyone wants more information on Fibromyalgia please don’t hesitate to e-mail me: fmilypals@moorheadcity.com . If you have Fibromyalgia and are looking to talk with others who truly do understand, please accept this invitation to visit my support group online anytime: http://forums.delphiforums.com/safensound

And whatever you do, don’t lose hope.

Love and Light
~dreamweaver~
AKA Melanie Woodruff